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 Growing Pains: Iowa Style

OMINOUS MUSIC FULL

FADE IN TO INTERIOR SHOT OF LARGE MEETING ROOM

MUSIC FADES UNDER AT CAMERA ZOOMS INTO MEDIUM SHOT

GOVERNOR pours her morning coffee with a serious look on her face.

WAIST SHOT OF HOUSE DEMOCRAT MS. CORNFAST who looks across table to her SENATE REPUBLICAN COUNTERPART MR. BEAN.

AT OPPOSITE END OF TABLE IS AGRICULTURE SECRETARY MR. HOGG holding a thick report.

GOVERNOR

“We have a serious problem.”

MS. CORNFAST looks at Mr. BEAN

“I agree.  And he’s sitting across the table from me”

MR. BEAN retorts

“This from the Democrat who is polluting university minds while still on the college faculty and in the legislature.”

AG. SECRETARY nervously tries to speak.

“Uh…Madame, Governor, if I may…”

GOVERNOR scowls as she puts mustard on a sandwich

“Enough bickering.  Our weather is changing, our corn crop is suffering, and our soybeans are distressed. What are we going to do about it!

AG. SECRETARY clears throat and wipes brow

“Governor, I have here…”

Ms. CORNFAST addressing Governor

“What in the world are you eating?

MR. BEAN commenting snidely

“I doubt that her dietary regimen is important.”

GOVERNOR responds

“Actually, I think it is and that’s why I have called our Ag. Secretary here.”

AG. SECRETARY clears his throat and distributes reports

“Thank you, Kim, …uh…Madame Governor. As you can see, the long-range forecast for Iowa is bleak. And…”

MS. CORFAST interrupts.

“Yes, we tried to address that last session, but the Republicans…”

MR. BEAN interjects.

“Yada, yada, yada. You and your Nazi Green environmentalists, who..”

GOVERNOR..slams gavel

Enough, let’s focus on the issue!

AG. SECRETARY pulls out a bottle of mustard.

“Thank you, Governor.  Right now, our 2022 crop forecast is worrisome. But I have a plan.”

MR. BEAN snears

“So now you’re eating breakfast, too?

AG. SECRETARY meekly

“No, no.  We have to consider new approaches to our agribusiness industry.”

GOVERNOR, MS. CORFAST AND MR. BEAN in unison impatiently.

“Like what, already!

AG. SECRETARY raises bottle of mustard and extends arm

“Mustard!”

MR. BEAN

“No, thanks. I’ve already had breakfast.”

MS. CORFAST

“I’m a ketchup gal myself.”

GOVERNOR shaking her head

“Mr. Ag. Secretary, I expected a serious proposal…”

AG. SECRETARY wipes head again.

“Please! This is a serious proposal.  Let me explain.

France has no more Dijon Mustard that she produces and exports everywhere—even here.”

GOVERNOR nodding head
“Well, I have seen some empty grocery store shelves…”

MS. CORNFAST nodding, too.

“Same here.  My kids are complaining”

MR. Bean shaking his head.

“Yeah, you should hear my wife.”

AG. SECRETARY

“France can’t grow enough mustard seeds because of bad weather.  She imports some seeds from Canada. But because of a drought up north…”

MR. BEAN angrily

“Here with go with that climate change baloney.”

AG. SECRETARY trying again

“And the Ukraine Russia war has interrupted mustard seeds France also gets from there.”

GOVERNOR thumbs up

“Of course, the disastrous U.S. president’s policies have resulted in inflation and supply chain delays.”

MS. CORFAST annoyed

“Serously!  You’re blaming our president for the mustard shortage!”

AG. SECRETARY speaking forcefully and spreading Dijon Mustard on three slices of bread and passing them around the table.

“We can grow Dijon Mustard seeds right here in Iowa!

GOVERNOR quizzically

“Are you serious?  Mustard as a cash crop to replace corn and soybeans!”

MS. CORFAST aghast

“Good question.  Most of our corn crop is feed for hogs and cattle.  Would cows and pigs eat mustard?

MR. BEAN chuckles

“Well, I certain like my mustard on ham and beef…not of that artificial soy substitute for meat some Iowa restaurants are now serving. It’s impossible to think of anything so silly.”

MS. CORFAST sarcastically

“So much for an open mind.”

GOVERNOR

“Can we even grow mustard in Iowa?

AG. SECRETARY excitedly

“Yes!  It’s already here! Look at this section of my report…

MUSIC CONTINUES AS IOWA PROMOTIONAL AD APPEARS WITH SCENES OF HAPPY PEOPLE EATING

“Garlic Mustard coming to a store near you soon! 

Look for it on a Stick at this year’s Iowa State Fair!”

FADE TO BLACK

MUSIC FADES OUT


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