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Keeping PACE on Capitol Hill

Caricature of SteveMUSIC: EMPERIAL REFRAIN

INTERIOR OF SENATOR’S OFFICE.  EARLY MORNING

Office STAFF exchanging nervous looks

MAN and WOMAN in black suit and dress wearing dark sunglasses and holding equipment

Officious SENATOR struts into office

 

SENATOR  ARI “Bubba” GANT

“Good morning, gang. How you all doin’ this fine morning.  Especially you lovely Southern Belles? (WINKS)

 

MAN and WOMAN approach SENATOR

“Senator, we’re here for you to begin the new PACE protocol that begins immediately today pursuant to Joint Congressional Resolution 101.555

 

SENATOR ARI GANT laughs faintly

“Sir, and lovely lady, (WINKS).  What joints? We don’t smo…uh…have any joints here…”

 

MAN and WOMAN step closer to SENATOR

“Joint Resolution, Senator.  Resolution.”

 

WOMAN staffer speaks to SENATOR in southern accent

“Bubba, um…Senator.  That’s the PACE resolution.  You know the one on…sex.”

 

SENATOR wipes his brow

“Sex…what do you mean sex?”

 

WOMAN in black hands document to SENATOR

“Senator, please sign this form.”

 

SENATOR looks at form turns to WOMAN staffer

“What in the world is this, Sally May…?

 

WOMAN in black removes her sunglasses and smiles menacingly

“It’s PACE in Congress, Senator.”

 

SENATOR says to WOMAN staffer

“Sally May, would you kindly tell these folks that we’re too busy with the pace of our own legislative agenda and promises to the good people back home to put up with this nonsense.”

 

WOMAN staffer nervously answers

“Senator, sir.  I’m afraid you have to sign it.  It’s PACE.  You voted for it, remember?”

 

WOMAN in black

“Yes, Senator.  It’s PACE…Purge Anachronistic Cultural Environment.”

 

SENATOR grabs paper from WOMAN in black

“Wait!  I thought PACE was to make decisions behind closed doors to speed up things around here without all those annoying public committee hearings.  And what is this form?”

 

WOMAN in black smiles again

“PRUDE”

 

SENATOR stares then laughs

“Prude?  Whoa, sweetheart.  I’m certainly no prude.  Tell her, Sally May.  I can have as good a time as the next good ole boy back home.”

 

WOMAN staffer yanks SENATORS sleeve and blushes

“You have to read it and sign it, sir.  PRUDE is Personnel Refusal of Uninvited Demands Edict.  I…I’m…sorry…but I signed it this morning along with all the other staff.”

 

STAFF nods their heads in unison

 

SENATOR’s face turning red in anger

“PRUDE form!  This is a bunch of…”

 

WOMAN in black steps even closer to SENATOR and hands him another form

“The PRUDE form…with your signature…then is attached to this document CRETIN.”

 

SENATOR throws  form angrily into wastepaper basket

Cretin!  How dare you! I’m a U.S. Senator!  You will respect me and my office!”

 

WOMAN staffer

“Sir, CRETIN is Congressional Report to Eliminate Touching and Inappropriate Notions.  You…well…you voted for that, too.”

 

MAN in black suit and sunglasses with equipment approaches SENATOR

“Senator, please put this on now.”

 

WOMAN in black puts sunglasses back on

“It’s EROTIC, sir.”

 

SENATOR confused

“You mean you’re asking me to watch porn?  Here in the office I usually don’t…”

 

WOMAN staffer

“Bubba, sir.  Not that kind of erotic. It’s Electronic Remote Observation of Transgressions in Congress.”

 

MAN in black attaches bodycam with microphone to SENATOR’s lapel

“Everything you do and say during your day will be recorded, downloaded to a server and reviewed by the SPOT team for entry into the Congressional Record.  SPOT is Surveillance Proof of Trouble.”

 

SENATOR looks at WOMAN staffer for several seconds

“What the devil!  This is outrageous!  Let me guess, Sally May.  I voted for this, too?”

 

MAN in black asks WOMAN in black

“We’re hooked up.  Is it working?”

 

WOMAN in black on cellphone to SPOT team

“Roger that.  SPOT says both the audio and video images are clear.”  (LAUGHS)  “Oh, he is is he?”

 

SENATOR shouts

“You mean I have to sign this form and wear this…stuff…everyday?”

 

MAN and WOMAN in black in unison

Yes, sir.  We have to keep PACE, sir.”

 

DISSOLVE TO INTERIOR OF OFFICE OF REPRESENTATIVE U.N. NOTEWORTHY

 

REPRESENTATIVE NOTEWORTHY sitting on edge of SECRETARY’S desk

“Sooo, missy…this is the progressive way to get things done.”  (PATS SECRETARY’S HAND)

 

MAN and WOMAN wearing black suit and dress and wearing dark sunglasses enter office

“Good morning, Representative, Noteworthy.  We’re from PACE.”

(WOMAN wearing sunglasses smiles)

“Let’s…share a moment…shall we?”

 

MUSIC: EMPERIAL REFRAIN UP FULL

INTERIOR WIDE SHOT AND MUSIC FADE OUT

 

 

 


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