Keeping PACE on Capitol Hill
MUSIC: EMPERIAL REFRAIN
INTERIOR OF SENATOR’S OFFICE. EARLY MORNING.
Office STAFF exchanging nervous looks.
MAN and WOMAN in black suite and dress wearing sunglasses and holding equipment
Officious SENATOR struts into office.
SENATOR ARI (“Bubba”) GANT
“Good morning, gang. How are you ‘all doing this fine morning? Especially you lovely Southern Belles? (WINKS)
MAN and WOMAN in black approach SENATOR
“Senator, we’re here for you to begin the new PACE protocol that takes effect immediately today pursuant to Joint Congressional Resolution 101.555.”
SENATOR ARI GANT laughs faintly
“Sir, and lovely lady (winks), what joints. We don’t smo…uh…use any joints here…”
MAN and WOMAN in black approach SENATOR
“Joint resolution, Senator. Resolution.”
WOMAN staff speaks to SENATOR in southern accent.
“Bubba, um…Senator, that’s the PACE resolution. You’ll know, the one on…sex.”
SENATOR wipes his brow
“Sex…what do you mean sex?”
WOMAN in black hands document to SENATOR
“Senator, please sign this form?”
SENATOR looks at form and turns to WOMAN staffer
“What in the world is this, Sally May…”
WOMAN in black approaches SENATOR, removes her sunglasses and smiles menacingly. “It’s PACE in Congress, Senator.”
SENATOR says to WOMAN staffer
“Sally May, would you please tell these folks that we’re too busy with the pace of our own legislative agenda and our promises to the good people back home to put up with this nonsense.”
WOMAN staffer nervously answers.
“Senator, Sir, I’m afraid you have to sign it. It’s PACE. You voted for it, remember?”
WOMAN in black
“Yes, Senator. It’s PACE… Purge Anachronistic Cultural Environment.”
SENATOR grabs paper from WOMAN in black.
“Wait. I thought PACE was to make decision behind closed doors to speed up things around here without all those annoying committee meetins. And what is this form?”
WOMAN in black smiles again
“PRUDE.”
SENATOR stares then laughs
“Prude? Whoa, sweetheart. I’m certainly no prude. Tell her, Sally May. I can have as good a time as the next good ole boy back home.”
WOMAN staffer yanks SENATOR’s sleeve and blushes
“You have to read and sign it, Sir. PRUDE is Personnel Refusal of Uninvited Demands Edict. “I…sorry…but I signed it this morning as did all the other staff members.”
STAFF nods their heads in unison.
SENATOR’s face turning red in anger
“PRUDE form! This is a bunch of…”
WOMAN in black steps closer to SENATOR and hands him another form
“The PRUDE form..with your signature…then is attack to this document CRETIN.”
SENATOR throws form into wastebasket angrily.
“CRETIN! How dare you, I’m a U.S. Senator and you will respect me and this office!”
WOMAN staffer
“Sir, CRETIN is Congressional Report to Eliminate Touching and Inappropriate Notions. You…well…you voted for that, too.”
MAN in sunglasses and electronic equipment approaches SENATOR
“Senator, please put this on now.”
WOMAN in black puts her sunglasses back on
“It’s EROTIC, Sir.”
SENATOR confused
“You mean you’re asking me to watch porn? Here in the office I usually don’t…”
WOMAN staffer
“Bubba, Sir, not that kind of EROTIC. It’s Electronic Remote Observation of Transgressions in Congress.”
MAN in black attaches body cam with microphone to SENATOR’s lapel
“Everything you do and say during your day will be recorded, downloaded to a server and reviewed by the SPOT team for entry into the Congressional Record. SPOT is Surveillance Proof of Trouble.”
SENATOR looks at WOMAN staffer for several seconds
“What the devil! This is outrageous. Let me guess, Sally May, I voted for this, too?”
MAN in black asks WOMAN in black
“We’re hooked up. Is it working?”
WOMAN in black on cellphone to SPOT team responds
“Roger that. SPOT says both audio and video images are clear. (LAUGHS) Oh, he is?”
SENATOR shouts
“You mean I have to sign this form and wear this crap every day?”
MAN and WOMAN in black in unison.
“Yes, Sir. We have to keep PACE, sir.”
DISSOLVE TO INTERIOR OF OFFICE OF REPRESENTATIVE U.N. NOTEWORTHY.
REPRESENTATIVE U.N. Noteworthy sitting on SECRETARY’s desk
“Sooo, missy, …this is the progressive way to get things done.” (Pats secretary’s hand)
MAN and WOMAN in black wearing dark sunglasses enter office.
“Good morning, Representative Noteworthy. We’re from PACE.
(WOMAN wearing sunglasses smiles)
“Let’s…share a moment, shall we?”
MUSIC: EMPERIAL REFRAIN UP FULL
INTERIOR WIDE SHOT AND MUSIC FADE OUT
Steve Coon 