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Welcome to your new TSA

 

Caricature of SteveSERENE MUSIC FADEs UP SLOWLY

FADE IN TO WIDE SHOT OF LARGE LOBBY WITH SOFT LIGHTS AND FRIENDLY RECEPTIONIST

ZOOM SLOWLY INTO TWO SHOT OF ATTENDANT AND CUSTOMER

HOSTESS SMILING

“Good morning, Sir. Welcome to Baggage Boutique. How may I assist you today?

CONFUSED CUSTOMER

“Uh…I think I’m in the wrong place.   I was trying to check in for my flight to Oakland.”

HOSTESS REASSURINGLY

“You’re in the right place, Sir. Welcome to Baggage Boutique. I’m Becky, your hostess, and this is your new customer

friendly TSA security lounge. Here is your complimentary beverage coupon.”

CUSTOMER

“Well, I wasn’t planning on checking any liquids through to California?”

HOSTESS LAUGHS SOFTLY

“No, this is for every passenger who flies anymore within the 50 United States.   And here is your personal security screening number. Just watch for your number and one of our friendly TSA associates will help you pass through security in comfort.

MALE ATTENDANT APPROACHES

“How are you, Sir? Let me take your luggage and accompany you to our lounge where you can relax with food and beverage of your choice.”

CUSTOMER

“There must be some mistake. I’m in economy and I don’t belong to any frequent flyer lounge.”

ATTENDANT SOOTHINGLY

“Oh, this isn’t a lounge, sir. This is the TSA luggage and carry on security system. Let me explain how this new system works.”

CUSTOMER STARTING TO RELAX

“Well, I am here two hours early for my flight as required so I guess I have time.”

ATTENDANT MOTIONING TO A LARGE COMFORTABLE CHAISE LOUNGE

“Of course you do. That’s the beauty of our new TSA screening protocol. You see in the past our clients would come early to the airport then have to wait for hours with nothing to do before going through security at the last minute.

CUSTOMER

“Clients…”

ATTENDANT PATIENTLY

“We used to refer to you as passengers but that seemed to set the wrong tone for valued clients such as yourself.

“CUSTOMER

“Hm…maybe…”

ATTENDANT CONTINUES

“Furthermore, the impatient clients interacted with our overworked TSA screeners who were trying to expedite screenings as quickly as possible. As you can certainly imagine it made for unhappy moments”

CUSTOMER

“Yes, I remember many an unhappy moment when…”

ATTENDANT INTERRUPTING

“You may also recall the unfortunate incidents when, let’s just say, screening didn’t work as well as we aspired.”

CUSTOMER

“You mean those random checks you failed 70 percent of the time when TSA checkers sneaked through guns, knives, other weapons and…”

ATTENDANT CALMING PATTING CUSTOMER ON THE SHOULDER

“Most regrettable to be sure and best forgotten I’m sure you’ll agree.

But we’ve changed all that so that your early arrival affords you and our staff the best of both worlds.”

CUSTOMER

“Both worlds? I don’t understand…”

ATTENDANT MOTION TO WAITRESS AND SITTING DOWN WITH CUSTOMER

“Veronica, would you please bring Mrs. Smith our Boutique Baggage entrée and a beverage of his choice. Perhaps a merlot from your California destination?”

CUSTOMER

“A merlot does sound…”

VERONICA SMILING BROADLY

“It would be my pleasure, Mr. Smith, I’ll return shortly.”

ATTENDANT

“I’m sure you notice when we entered the lounge that I handed your luggage to one of our expediters.”

CUSTOMER SIPPING HIS MERLOT

“Expe-what…?

ATTENDANT

“Expediters. When you arrived, a camera at the door automatically recorded your image and assigned a security number to you. And our hostess stamped that number on your boarding pass.”

CUSTOMER

“I guess I wasn’t paying much attention.”

ATTENDANT

“In fact, you shouldn’t have to. You see, Mr. Smith, may I call you John?”

CUSTOMER RECEIVING A SECOND MERLOT FROM VERONICA

“Well, I think that’s…”

ATTENDANT

“You see, John, TSA has decided that if you arrive at the airport two hours prior to your departure, we should reward you for that sacrifice.”

CUSTOMER BECOMING MELLOWER

“Coming here two hours early is a bit of a…”

ATTENDANT

“Of course it is, John. So we want you to relax in comfort with the secure knowledge that as we have a friendly conversation, you’re luggage is undergoing careful, methodical scrutiny with the time necessary to make sure that all of your checked and carry on luggage is fully examined with no anxiety on your part and no pressure to perform quickly on our part.”

CUSTOMER INCREASINGLY GIDDY

“No performance anxiety (chuckles). I like that.”

ATTENDANT

“And while you relax hassle-free without going through the old TSA security lines, our associates are equally relaxed taking their time carefully examining each and every piece of passenger parcels in a healthful, comfortable working environment.”

VERONICA RETURNS SEVERAL MINUTES LATER.

“Mr. Smith, I’m pleased to inform you that your luggage has met our standards and you now are cleared to board. And your carry on items are waiting for you at your assigned seat.”

ATTENDANT

“Congratulations, John. I really enjoyed our conversation and I hope you have a wonderful trip.”

CUSTOMER

“You mean that’s it? I passed security? No crowding, no scornful security glances, no harried passengers, no pushing, no…”

ATTENDANT LAUGHING

“No, no, no, no and no. None of that. See how nice our new system is? Thank you again for coming to our TSA Baggage Boutique.

Do you have any questions before we say goodbye?

CUSTOMER RELUCTANTLY

“Hm…well…I like it here. I’m not sure I’m ready to leave. Veronica, could I have another merlot?”

ATTENDANT TO LOUNGE HOSTESS

“Becky, it’s happened again.”

HOSTESS AT FRONT DESK

“You mean…?”

ATTENDANT

“Yes, please call the director.”

CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF EXECUTIVE SITTING IN LARGE OFFICE WITH THE U.S. CAPITOL SEEN FROM THE WIDE WINDOW BEHIND STOUT MAN WITH STERN EXPRESSION AT HIS DESK.

TELEPHONE RINGS.

TSA DIRECTOR GRABS PHONE

“Director Barnabas Houston speaking.”

BOUTIQUE BAGGAGE HOSTESS BECKLY HESITANTLY

“Mr. Houston, we have a problem.”

ZOOM OUT TO WIDE SHOT AS TSA DIRECTOR BARNABAS HOUSTON LEANS BACK SHAKING HIS HEAD.

MUSIC UP FULL AND BOTH IMAGE AND IMAGE FADE OUT.


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