THEME MUSIC DEPICTING THE RICH AND FAMOUS

FADE IN TO WIDE SHOT OF A CALIFORNIA PALATIAL ESTATE.  ZOOM IN AND DISSOLVE TO WIDE SHOT OF LARGE LIVING ROOM.

A YOUNG WOMAN IN A SHORT SKIRT WITH LEGS CROSSED IS SITTING ON THE SOFA, ARMS CROSSED OVER AMPLE DECOLLETAGE.  SHE’S DAUGHTER AND IS OBVIOUSLY SULKING.

ON OPPOSITE OF ROOM IS AN OLDER WOMAN WITH READING GLASSES.  SHE IS LOOKING AT HER KINDLE AND HOLDING A WINE GLASS.  SHE’S THE MOTHER.

“Mommy…we have to do something!”  (DAUGHTER WHINES)

“Yes, dear?” (MOTHER  ANSWERS WITH LITTLE INTEREST AND CONTINUES READING)

“Mommy…she’s trending.  It’s not fair,”  (DAUGHTER SWITCHES CROSSED LEGS STILL SULKING)

“What should we do?” (MOTHER LOOKS AT DAUGHTER)

“The baby’s coming and no one will remember me,”  (DAUGHTER STARES AT MOTHER)  “We have to do something…fast!”

“Well, let’s see what you’ve already done,” (MOTHER PICKS UP DAUGHTER’S RECENT TABLOID NEWS COVERAGE)

(TELEPHONE RINGS AND MOTHER ANSWERS)  “It’s for you, K.” (HANDS PHONE TO DAUGHTER)

“Yes…?” (DAUGHTER ANSWERS WEAKLY)

“Greetings, Luv,” (WOMAN WITH BRITISH ACCENT)  “I wanted to give you a bell.  Blimey, your fortnight has not been wonky.”

“Who is this?”  (DAUGHTER INCREASINGLY ANNOYED)

“It’s I, of course.  No need to be daft.”  (BRITISH WOMAN LAUGHS) “Don’t you hear my toff accent?”

“What?” (DAUGHTER RECOGNIZING BRITISH WOMAN)  “Where are you?”

“You silly cow, I’m in hospital.  My room is the bees knees, my bed is bespoke, everything is sorted and I’m absolutely chuffed.  I just wanted to ring you up before my kip.”

“Wait…you mean…?” (DAUGHTER PANICS)

“Absobloodylootely!” (BRITISH WOMAN SAYS)  “Even up the duff I’m the dog’s dinner.  Really wicked!”

“When…uh…when is the baby (DAUGHTER SWALLOWS HARD)…coming?”

“The ween?  Any moment now.  We’ve got a posh pram, lots of gubbins.  The bairn will be rather molly-coddled.”

“And the newspapers and all the…” (DISTRAUGHT, DEFEATED DAUGHTER BARELY WHISPERS).

“Aye, the agony-aunts, telly presenters on Beeb, and their waffles.  Then it’s Billie off to the pub to wet the baby’s head.”

“So…it’s really soon?” (DAUGHTER STARTS TO WHIMPER)

“Ah, quit whinging.  You’re too blinkered and easy-peasey.  Time to end this bloody conkers. Just admit you cocked-up.”

“Hey, …uh…like…wait…you know.. a minute!” (TRIES TO RESPOND ANGRILY)

“Crikey! Me huby is here.  Gotta let it.  Jolly smashing chatting with you, old girl. Ta.  Look for me on Twitter and Facebook.    Cheerio!”  (DIAL TONE)

“Mommy, do you know who that was?”  (DAUGHTER JUMPS UP AND TURNS TO MOTHER)

(MOTHER LOOKS UP FROM HER CELLPHONE)  “Sorry, sweetie, what did you say?  I wasn’t listening.  I was checking on Kate Middleton.  Did you know she was trending?”

“Argh…!”

MUSIC UP FULL

ZOOM OUT FROM MEDIUM SHOT OF MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.

FADE TO BLACK AS MUSIC FADES OUT